Thoughts

I think today goes back to the words of Pioneer Woman-Ree Drummond

"It ain't all that tragic..."

I find it hard today to write about everything i'm thinking. Not that you all necessarily want to know what i'm thinking but i feel bad that i haven't posted anything in awhile.

I guess it is because i feel like with every fiber of my being...

I really don't want to be here at Bob Jones University.

Wow, I can't even explain how much better I feel just really saying that, and admitting it. I'm not trying to say that I don't want to do what God wants me to do or anything like that. It's not that at all. I just have never felt like this place is where God wants me.
Ever.
Granted I think because I spent the last year here he has wanted me here so far....and there are so many good things here. This post isn't to discourage anyone from coming to Bob Jones or anything like that…It's just kind of so I can get the thoughts out of my head and heart so that maybe they will go away I guess. Before I came this year I thought that it would be easy to transfer somewhere else. I thought that staying the complete year would be good for me because it would be a way to "finish what I started," but now I just feel stuck.

I love my major here. It's amazing. I honestly cannot explain how much I love majoring in Criminal Justice and minor-ing in Biblical Counseling. That's it though. My classes and that's really it. Chapel is good, and I’ve made some amazing friends here and the best roommates I think any girl going to college could ask for...But here is not what I thought/wanted college to be like.

I wanted to be somewhere where I could learn how to sing better, play golf, compete, go out and stay out late on the weekends with friends just having good clean fun. Wanted to get a really good job, a car, go to church, and just do so much more... I'm one of those types of people to where I have these goals...and I want to meet them so badly that I will do anything to meet them. I don't like feeling hindered or held back. I think it's because I partly blame myself for coming here. I honestly didn't know enough about searching for colleges and looking to degree's I really wanted to know where to apply. I had my heart set for Masters, I wanted to so badly serve the Lord at masters... I loved the people...I loved the dorms, loved chapel, loved the dining common, loved the sports, loved the fun college nights where the college would go spend the evening watching a Disney movie on the grass...I loved going to Disneyland, and i loved the warm weather. Master's was everything I wanted in a college except one huge thing. They didn't have my major. I think I shouldn't have given up looking though...for the college that was my fit. Where I knew that "this college" was where i could grow and become even more a person of God than anywhere else i could have been at the moment.

I have a confession, sometimes I am really jealous of people back home going to college...When I see what they get to do on the weekends...When they are able to go home, have a Spring Break, have days off when they can rest during the semester….when it looks like they have what I knew I wanted in the college I went too. Maybe I am just being selfish, and I’m not seeing the big picture...I do admit that I could just be completely wrong with everything and this is where I’m supposed to be and everything...But I don't think that is it. I don't think God would have placed these desires on my heart if I wasn't supposed to go do those things.

I'm not trying to make it seem like I’m not grateful for people here. Honestly if not for John Caballero and his family I would have given up this school and this year in a heartbeat and gone home and transferred anywhere but here…No matter the cost. Also meeting Tori Fisher has made this year so much more enjoyable...There are so many other people too that i have met that are amazing. The people in my CJ classes, those I work with, roomies etc. They are all wonderful people... But BJU is not where I thought I should be to accomplish what I felt like God wanted for my life...
I do know that I could just be drained with it being the end of the semester and everything, and I would feel better about coming here to BJU again if I was able to live off campus. I guess I will get to see what the Lord does with that. I just hope that something opens up so I only have to be at BJU for classes, chapel, and a few other required activities and that would be it…
I think that is all I am thinking right now. Finals are tomorrow, and I would appreciate prayer with glorifying God with them and doing my best.